5. Why Empathy is a Key Ingredient of Emotional Intelligence

The fourth part of emotional intelligence is Empathy. 

The definition that we have for empathy as it relates to emotional intelligence is having a high EQ, versus an IQ, meaning being able to understand what others may be feeling and are going through and responding kindly and thoughtfully. 

You have no idea what someone else is going through, what is going on their world. Approaching conversations and interactions with empathy, with a mutual respect, putting yourself in some one else's shoes shows a depth of understanding and maturity. 

 

Lani: Caregiving Philosophy
Melissa: Wandering Missy - Start Living the Life You Want. How to find Joy + Purpose in your Life.

Transcript

Empathy 

SUMMARY KEYWORDS empathy, emotional intelligence, perspective, coming, noticing, nice, understand, life, situation, smooching, person, feeble, hearing aid, tend, number, thinking, feel, overlap, people, hear 

SPEAKERS Melissa, Lani 

Melissa 00:04 Welcome to Happy Life Story. I'm Melissa. 

Lani 00:08 And I'm Lani. We're discussing how to create your better life story. 

Melissa 00:12 So here we are, number four, empathy. 

Lani 00:32 The fourth part of emotional intelligence is empathy. 

Melissa 00:36 So the definition that I have for empathy as it relates to emotional intelligence is having a high EQ, versus an IQ, meaning being able to understand what others may be feeling and are going through and responding kindly and thoughtfully. 

Lani 00:58 Kindly and thoughtfully, that's nice. I don't think people actually try to see things from the other person's point of view. 

Melissa 01:10 It seems like that's very rare, at least that's the way it comes across when I'm in social situations or out in public and you see the way people interact. And even yourself, I'm sure you've had one-sided conversations with friends and wonder, Are they even hearing what I'm saying? Do they have any idea what I'm going through? One of those sayings that you see pop up all over the place is You never know what someone else is going through. 

Lani 01:40 Definitely, we never know what someone else is going through. But we can imagine different scenarios, try to see things at least different from what we're thinking. 

Melissa 01:50 Exactly. To put yourself in their shoes. And to wonder, maybe they're having a bad day, maybe losing their parents is still affecting them months later. Whatever their situation is, maybe that's why they didn't show up 100% today. Maybe something's happening or something's going on underneath they're not letting you know about. 

Lani 02:16 Right. Empathy is a sign of being slow to judge the other person by trying to look at it in a different way. 

Melissa 02:24 Exactly. Don't rush the judgment, kind of take a second or two to think. 

Lani 02:30 I was living with my mom for the past six weeks in one room. And it was tight quarters. But one thing that I kept judging on was, Why doesn't she wear her hearing aid?! I don't understand it. I kept always having to repeat myself or once I say it loud enough and she can't hear it I don't say it again. My brain's jumping to judgment. But then, of course later, I tried to go back and think, Well, she feels sick and she probably feels tired and doesn't want to do it. And, maybe it's too much for her now. So then I try to get some empathy there. Again, I'm coming at it after I've already judged. 

Melissa 03:30 But that's where your self regulation and self awareness are coming in. And your motivation too because you're motivated to be patient with your mother, who you know is reaching a certain age and needs help. I'm sure the roles are reversed. She used to help you now you're helping her. 

Lani 03:50 Right. I know, I think about that, too. I think about when I'm all old and feeble and can't do anything. What are my kids going to think of me? That's going to be a hard one. 

Melissa 04:03 To be determined. But, I do think empathy is obviously a pretty big subject. And, I think people who tend to be more empathetic, tend to be more understanding. Not that you have to be corny like your heart is on your sleeve or whatever. But I think people who tend to have more empathy definitely are just nicer people. 

Lani 04:34 Definitely nicer to be around. I know, I had an example here because I was reading a lot of YouTube comments. And people always say, You're too sensitive. Which is from somebody that's not thinking really what the other person is going to respond with. But, if you have a low emotional intelligence when you're the receiver, you might think, Oh, something's wrong with me, something's definitely wrong with me because they're saying it. But, if you have a higher emotional intelligence you might think, Well, that's their opinion, I think I'm fine. So it's okay.You can take it in different ways, depending on how you look at it. 

Melissa 05:19 Exactly, and not feel persecuted and picked on and put upon. To actually understand, we're approaching this from different ways, we all have a different life experience. That's a great example, because a lot of the things that I'm talking about are coming from the perspective of if you have emotional intelligence. But that's probably another episode where we really talked about how to improve your skill, your life skill. 

Lani 05:51 I want to go back to your word perspective, that's the whole thing. You're always looking at things from your perspective. And it's difficult a lot of the time to think of what it might be from their perspective, especially if you're different, like different cultures, even different families have different cultures. So it's hard to know what the other people are thinking. 

Melissa 06:16 Absolutely. Because I have no idea, your perspective is going to be different than mine on just about every single situation, while there might be overlap, there's going to be times where you and I, just using two people as an example, we just don't see things the same way. That's me, just using two people as an example, we just don't see things the same way. That's because of every road that led to this spot where we are like our upbringings, our situations, our environment, everything. 

Lani 06:42 I was brought up in an Asian environment, so it's going to be different. 

Melissa 06:47 Yep, different than the guilt Catholic environment, where they made you feel bad about everything. What we carry with us. But, I'm sure we both landed with a bunch of empathy. 

Lani 07:11 Right. That's why I love traveling to other countries. And, you're probably noticing that a lot since you moved to France, that people have different opinions than Americans. I bet you're noticing that because that's what I see when I go to different countries. I see our way of thinking isn't just THE way of thinking, it's not even the right way of thinking. It's just A way of thinking. 

Melissa 07:34 Exactly. That's such a great point. And that all falls under that umbrella. I think that's an excellent point. That's again number four and we can go on to number five in the next episode. 

Lani 07:50 Yep, next episode, social skills. Let's do it.