3. How Self Regulation can Change your Life

How Self Regulation can Change your Life

There's 5 different components that make up the broader definition of Emotional Intelligence.  Today we are talking about #2, Self Regulation. 

Definition: being able to regulate and manage the emotions you are feeling while waiting for the appropriate time and avenue on how to express them. 

Self Regulation starts when you recognize after what you did before, so that you can change it the next time or try to get at least a little bit better the next time. 

Self Regulation can be trying to solve an emotional problem with an action. And that doesn't work because emotions are caused by our thoughts. So trying to solve the problem with an action never actually works. 

Lani: Caregiving Philosophy
Melissa: Wandering Missy - Start Living the Life You Want. How to find Joy + Purpose in your Life.

Transcript

Self Regulation 

SUMMARY KEYWORDS emotions, situation, regulate, spite, self regulation, talking, reacting, manage, number, binge, cries, extreme example, podcast episode, self awareness, recognizing, definition, emotional, story, blame, remain 

SPEAKERS Melissa, Lani 

Melissa 00:04 Welcome to Happy Life Story. I'm Melissa. 

Lani 00:08 And I'm Lani. We're discussing how to create your better life story. I would say we're on to the second part of emotional intelligence. 

Melissa 00:21 Thank you for reminding us all what we're talking about. Yes, emotional intelligence, we did a very thorough job of talking about number one, which is self awareness. Now, number two is self regulation. And you may have a better definition of this than I do. But, I have being able to regulate and manage the emotions you're feeling while waiting for the appropriate time and avenue on how to express them. Do you have a better way of saying that? 

Lani 00:52 No, I think that's good, successfully manage your emotions. My easy kids-worthy definition. 

Melissa 01:01 I like that. That is to the point. It's like remaining calm in spite of a difficult or challenging situation. I think back to a personal story, and I know my daughter won't get too upset. Talking about self regulation, that's not one of her strengths. We've called her GabZilla, her name is Gabby. GabZilla is her nickname. And she's had that since she was old enough to start crying. So she always gets so frustrated and just cries and screams. She had no words. Now that she has words, she is trying to learn how to self regulate, because she can fly off the handle so quickly. I think on her own, she's trying to remain calm in spite of maybe misinterpreting what somebody says. That count to 10 type thing where instead of reacting you take a deep breath, remain calm, rethink through what you just heard. I'm talking obviously, in this type of situation, but it could be anything from being disappointed to being sad about something, angry, upset, or being faced with something really challenging. We watched Top Gun, the newer one last night, and to think of being in that situation where you're a fighter pilot and you're just thrown into the situation where you have to save the world. 

Lani 01:40 How do you manage your stress in that situation? 

Melissa 02:36 How on earth do you flip that switch? I guess you accept the emotion and are able to manage yourself. Obviously, that's kind of an extreme example. 

Lani 02:50 I hope I'm never in that situation.

Melissa 02:54 I think most of us in day to day life, for example when you're having a conversation with somebody, they may say or do something that you say, whoa, in your head. You're saying, whoa, rather than just reacting. 

Lani 03:09 I know. The other week, I did not self regulate. I can think of this one instance, where my mom sometimes likes to blame people. And she blamed me for something. And I said, Why are you always blaming people?! And then I remembered later that I actually did do what she said. But I did it in a good, nice way. She said, You probably took this thing. And I said, No, I didn't! But then I remembered I did put it in a safe space. But, I did not regulate myself unfortunately. 

Melissa 03:52 We have good personal examples. And that's good to share. Because it is part of self awareness. You're recognizing your behavior. 

Lani 04:06 I think that's where it starts. You recognize after what you did before, so that you can change it the next time or try to get at least a little bit better the next time. 

Melissa 04:20 Exactly. It's retrospection. It's perspective. I think with a lot of us with age, I think it just naturally happens. But, I'm sure we all know a few people that don't seem to be awfully good at self regulating or self awareness. And then there's others that I'm blown away by how well they handle situations, in spite of everything that's happening around them, or in spite of somebody not being kind to them or something. They're able to keep themselves composed and give a solid answer without emotions creeping in and taking over. 

Lani 04:59 I can think of one common way that people don't regulate. It's hard to regulate yourself when you feel a bad emotion and then you want to eat something. I know that happens to me all the time. I used to have a really good friend that used to binge eat whenever she couldn't take it anymore. She'd be like, I need to eat everything in sight! 

Melissa 05:27 That's interesting. I was trying to think of examples and it's funny because diet came up first. Food is such a comfort to so many people in so many different ways that makes perfect sense that somebody would reach for food to help them through a situation. 

Lani 05:50 Totally. I was thinking about it later. And I was thinking that's trying to solve an emotional problem with an action. And that doesn't work because emotions are caused by our thoughts. So trying to solve the problem with an action never actually works. 

Melissa 06:07 And then the regret and all the other things that come along with trying to solve it with an action versus changing the way you're thinking about it or recognizing the emotions that you're having. I can see how these all go hand in hand for sure. 

Lani 06:37 We can make our next podcast on motivation. 

Melissa 06:40 Let's do it. Stay tuned.